Wait...fall in...fall out of...look for...
We do all these for love. I…have done all these for love.
Isn't it tiring? I say it’s not. No matter how painful the last heartbreak is, we still continuously yearn for love. And honestly, I do. Who doesn't? I guess only those who already found it.
The last one I had, which was my first heartbreak too, was both easy and hard for me to handle. The distance in between and the time that has passed somehow made everything easier for me to come to grips with, but difficult, because of the questions that are left, and will remain unanswered.
No, I am not afraid to fall in love the second time around. I still haven't lost heart, coz if I do, I don't think I would still listen to hopeless romantic love songs, nor would I get twitterpated when I watch Pinoy teleseryes. I, in fact, miss the feeling of being in love. Whenever I see couples around, I would sometimes feel the need for someone to have and to hold. And how I long for a family of my own whenever I see what delight my nephew brings to everyone.
No, I don't feel desperate or hopeless yet (sa ganda kong 'to?!.....KIDDING!!!!) It's just probably one of those days when you're 28, and single, that you feel the clock ticking. It also doesn't help when friends and acquaintances get married or give birth left and right. Then again, this doesn't bother me a lot. As I said, it's just one of those days. I usually get through this state of "craziness", as my friend calls it, in a day or two.
I still want to do a lot of things in my life, like go back to school to finish my master's degree, put up my own school, buy my own house, and continue helping the family. The list could go on and on and on...but I should slow down, stop, and think once in a while; otherwise, I might let the opportunity for love pass without even noticing it because I was too busy achieving my goals.
Right now, I'm waiting, and at the same time looking for the right one. I waited 23 years before I finally opened my heart to someone for the first time. I guess it wouldn't hurt if I wait again, not for another 23 years (oh please!), but a little…well actually, a lot shorter, I pray! :j
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Just What I Wanted
Until now I still get a lot of realizations in terms of my chosen profession. It's as if my love for my work and happiness that I feel right now are not enough, I'm still constantly presented with a lot of reasons that keep my passion for teaching burning. Sometimes, (well,fine...most of the time!) I find myself exuberant whenever I talk about my work and experiences in my own little world..my classroom...just like now...!
My most recent realization was how teaching fulfills all my childhood dream jobs in certain ways. I guess in this profession, I can be everything I want. Wonderin' how's that possible?
For one, I used to dream of being on those pencil-cut skirt, blouse, blazer and scarf, pulling my own little luggage, walking past the passengers who are lined up to board the aircraft. But why be away from family for a flight duty when I can be the flight attendant in my own classroom...or even be the pilot! I am also up on my feet the whole day, developing the same amount of varicose veins as I would 30,000 ft up in the air, just so I can attend to all the needs of my passengers - my students. I used to do this with full make up on (because we were required to) while donning 3-inch stiletto heels. But I’d rather be on flats now just to save myself from more leg pains, which, by the way, I am already experiencing at my "young" age!
And who needs 4 grueling years in the university just to learn how to keep track of financial accounts? Definitely not me! In the first place, with my meager salary, there's not much accounting to do. But seriously, I once proved that I can be an accountant and do simple accounting when I had to handle all the financial aspects of my now defunct tutorial service business. No, it didn't close because of my poor accounting skills. It was because I went here in the US (to live the so-called American dream.) Then again, I can still practice my math skills in teaching when I compute grades! And yes, I do teach math...kindergarten math that is. I love math! But I was just not trained to teach it. So better leave it to the experts. What do you expect? I only had one math subject in my entire 4 years in the university.
Then comes my biggest frustration of all...to be a singer! Yes, I once dreamed of performing on stage belting out Celine Dion hits (just kidding! coz that is way too ambitious of me!) But yeah, seriously, I had my fair share of hilarious stories on how far I went just so I could pursue a career in singing - from voice workshops, band auditions to almost competing with Sarah Geronimo on stage(of course I’m kidding again because I never even made it to the elimination week for I was not fortunate enough to be chosen as one of the four from among those who passed the 2-day audition...but at least I passed!hehe) Anyway, going back, I now know why God gave me a singing voice though He didn't want me to be in showbiz after all. :) First and foremost, He knows I can't handle intrigues! hehe…No... Seriously, I believe I was given the knack (alright, the love...) for singing because I can very well utilize it in the classroom. I now not only sing to my heart's desire... I also dance to the kids' delight! I find myself every morning now singing the Star Spangled Banner the loudest, with feelings, and all the other kiddie songs while my audience (the kids) are having fun either by singing and dancing with me, or by just plainly watching me. What a great pleasure it is for me to see amazement on their faces! They may be really amused or probably they simply find me hilarious. For whatever reason it is, I’m just pleased that I am able to make their learning experience a lot of fun.
Most interesting of all, I can be a great mom while teaching... at least for practice! Being in-charge of a whole bunch of kids of different abilities, personalities and ethnicities, is no joke. It is definitely not an easy task. But, I’m enjoying every bit of it. There are indeed good and bad days, but it's just all in a day's work of a teacher. At the end of each day, all I can think of is how a certain student has improved, who did a good job or who just needs more of my motherly care. I am just delighted whenever someone tells me how good I am with children even if I don't have my own kids yet, and that they think that I’m going to be a great mom someday. I hope I’d be. I really am looking forward to having kids of my own. I know that all these will happen in God's perfect time. In the meantime, I need to find someone first to build my own family with. 'Guess that's the first step I have to take. Well, that may probably take time, especially in this field. Be that as it may, it doesn't make my passion for this profession any less. :j
My most recent realization was how teaching fulfills all my childhood dream jobs in certain ways. I guess in this profession, I can be everything I want. Wonderin' how's that possible?
For one, I used to dream of being on those pencil-cut skirt, blouse, blazer and scarf, pulling my own little luggage, walking past the passengers who are lined up to board the aircraft. But why be away from family for a flight duty when I can be the flight attendant in my own classroom...or even be the pilot! I am also up on my feet the whole day, developing the same amount of varicose veins as I would 30,000 ft up in the air, just so I can attend to all the needs of my passengers - my students. I used to do this with full make up on (because we were required to) while donning 3-inch stiletto heels. But I’d rather be on flats now just to save myself from more leg pains, which, by the way, I am already experiencing at my "young" age!
And who needs 4 grueling years in the university just to learn how to keep track of financial accounts? Definitely not me! In the first place, with my meager salary, there's not much accounting to do. But seriously, I once proved that I can be an accountant and do simple accounting when I had to handle all the financial aspects of my now defunct tutorial service business. No, it didn't close because of my poor accounting skills. It was because I went here in the US (to live the so-called American dream.) Then again, I can still practice my math skills in teaching when I compute grades! And yes, I do teach math...kindergarten math that is. I love math! But I was just not trained to teach it. So better leave it to the experts. What do you expect? I only had one math subject in my entire 4 years in the university.
Then comes my biggest frustration of all...to be a singer! Yes, I once dreamed of performing on stage belting out Celine Dion hits (just kidding! coz that is way too ambitious of me!) But yeah, seriously, I had my fair share of hilarious stories on how far I went just so I could pursue a career in singing - from voice workshops, band auditions to almost competing with Sarah Geronimo on stage(of course I’m kidding again because I never even made it to the elimination week for I was not fortunate enough to be chosen as one of the four from among those who passed the 2-day audition...but at least I passed!hehe) Anyway, going back, I now know why God gave me a singing voice though He didn't want me to be in showbiz after all. :) First and foremost, He knows I can't handle intrigues! hehe…No... Seriously, I believe I was given the knack (alright, the love...) for singing because I can very well utilize it in the classroom. I now not only sing to my heart's desire... I also dance to the kids' delight! I find myself every morning now singing the Star Spangled Banner the loudest, with feelings, and all the other kiddie songs while my audience (the kids) are having fun either by singing and dancing with me, or by just plainly watching me. What a great pleasure it is for me to see amazement on their faces! They may be really amused or probably they simply find me hilarious. For whatever reason it is, I’m just pleased that I am able to make their learning experience a lot of fun.
Most interesting of all, I can be a great mom while teaching... at least for practice! Being in-charge of a whole bunch of kids of different abilities, personalities and ethnicities, is no joke. It is definitely not an easy task. But, I’m enjoying every bit of it. There are indeed good and bad days, but it's just all in a day's work of a teacher. At the end of each day, all I can think of is how a certain student has improved, who did a good job or who just needs more of my motherly care. I am just delighted whenever someone tells me how good I am with children even if I don't have my own kids yet, and that they think that I’m going to be a great mom someday. I hope I’d be. I really am looking forward to having kids of my own. I know that all these will happen in God's perfect time. In the meantime, I need to find someone first to build my own family with. 'Guess that's the first step I have to take. Well, that may probably take time, especially in this field. Be that as it may, it doesn't make my passion for this profession any less. :j
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Jinx
I hope I’m not.
A couple of weeks ago, a friend told me about his plans of proposing to his Pinay girlfriend. He will be flying to Canada, where she is working, to propose on her birthday. I asked him how he’s going to do it and even gave him an idea - how he could make it even more special. Since he speaks English and maybe a couple of other languages, but Filipino, I offered to translate what he was planning to tell his girlfriend to my native language, which he thought to be a great idea.
Fast forward...
He did propose to her last Saturday in a very special and I should say, unique way, as he described to me what transpired. He also successfully delivered his speech in Filipino, with, of course, a little bit of help from his cue cards. Anyway, long story short, she accepted and agreed to marry him.
I thought everything was perfect until I heard the three-letter but dreadful word “BUT”... You wouldn’t want to hear this teeny tiny word especially after so many positive things because this very seemingly small word could ruin just about everything.
Nevertheless, I was just expecting (and hoping for) a minor setback. After all, he seemed just fine when we were just starting to talk. However, what he said next shocked me...
He just broke up with her this morning, when he was at the airport, waiting for his flight back to NY. It was, well, believe it or not, the girlfriend’s fault.
I felt sorry for what happened. And somehow, illogical and funny as it may seem, I felt sorry too because I thought, maybe, just maybe, I was a jinx. Mine once failed and it gets me into thinking, ‘he shouldn’t have told me of his plans!’ I have my own story of a fairy tale gone bad you know.
I know! It doesn’t follow! Of course I’m not totally serious. I’m just playing! I know this is silly. But well, friends…maybe it wouldn’t hurt not to tell me when you’re planning to propose to your special someone. Don’t even ask for my help nor accept advice or suggestions from me. Please. Do yourself a favor. There’s no harm if you won’t. You don’t want to be jinxed, do you? : j
-July 27, 2009-
A couple of weeks ago, a friend told me about his plans of proposing to his Pinay girlfriend. He will be flying to Canada, where she is working, to propose on her birthday. I asked him how he’s going to do it and even gave him an idea - how he could make it even more special. Since he speaks English and maybe a couple of other languages, but Filipino, I offered to translate what he was planning to tell his girlfriend to my native language, which he thought to be a great idea.
Fast forward...
He did propose to her last Saturday in a very special and I should say, unique way, as he described to me what transpired. He also successfully delivered his speech in Filipino, with, of course, a little bit of help from his cue cards. Anyway, long story short, she accepted and agreed to marry him.
I thought everything was perfect until I heard the three-letter but dreadful word “BUT”... You wouldn’t want to hear this teeny tiny word especially after so many positive things because this very seemingly small word could ruin just about everything.
Nevertheless, I was just expecting (and hoping for) a minor setback. After all, he seemed just fine when we were just starting to talk. However, what he said next shocked me...
He just broke up with her this morning, when he was at the airport, waiting for his flight back to NY. It was, well, believe it or not, the girlfriend’s fault.
I felt sorry for what happened. And somehow, illogical and funny as it may seem, I felt sorry too because I thought, maybe, just maybe, I was a jinx. Mine once failed and it gets me into thinking, ‘he shouldn’t have told me of his plans!’ I have my own story of a fairy tale gone bad you know.
I know! It doesn’t follow! Of course I’m not totally serious. I’m just playing! I know this is silly. But well, friends…maybe it wouldn’t hurt not to tell me when you’re planning to propose to your special someone. Don’t even ask for my help nor accept advice or suggestions from me. Please. Do yourself a favor. There’s no harm if you won’t. You don’t want to be jinxed, do you? : j
-July 27, 2009-
Monday, July 06, 2009
Just for laughs
I’m almost 28… and clumsy.
‘Guess you don’t just outgrow clumsiness. Haha
I remember some of the funny (but painful!) instances that I demonstrated my gracefulness, in all the glory of ITS REVERSE.
As far as I can recall, one instance happened when I was still a naïve and innocent looking, not to mention single (since birth!), office girl strutting my stuff along Ayala Avenue on my way to my workplace on 6788. I used to wear an above the knee, pencil-cut butt hugging (as if I had a butt like J.Lo’s!) skirt as a uniform. Can you imagine how dreadful it was for me (and for the other girls out there) to commute, chase after FX taxis and buses in Metro Manila, Mondays thru Thursdays. Oh how I just love Fridays! Anyway, the thing that happened to me didn’t come about while I was trying to catch a ride. It happened actually as soon as I alighted from the FX on Ayala Avenue cor. Paseo de Roxas. After getting off, I closed the door and the first and last thing I saw was an opening on the side of the road, then…BLAAAAG! I probably lost my balance, twisted my ankle, tripped and then fell to the ground. I had no idea what just happened to me! For one second I forgot who and where I was. But the moment I got back to my senses, I got up as quickly as I could, ignored my bleeding knees, and walked without looking back, as if nothing happened. Seriously, all that I was able to mutter to myself was, “kaya nyo yun?”
Next location, 6788 building. I was going to a client that day on my own. As always, I would wait for the company’s black Mercedes Benz car service (sosyal pa naman!) in the back entrance of the building. Walking out of the building full of poise and confidence, again, wearing my butt-hugging uniform and my 3-inch stiletto, I started to get down the stairs slowly and carefully. I wasn’t even on a rush so I just took my time. While getting down, I was actually asking myself, what if I fall down from here? What will I do? Will anyone help me? I wonder, it would be such a shame! No kidding, but I was actually thinking about that possibility during that time! And as if fate wanted to give me answers, can you guess what happened next? Yes, from the 3rd or 4th step (do you still expect me to remember?!) of a probably 10-step staircase, I fell aaaall the way down. It rocked my world big time! I just saw the guard running towards my direction. And even before he could help me, I was back on my feet. All that he was able to say was, “Ang bilis ni ma’am ah!” I just laughed, but deep inside I was soooooo embarrassed. Who wouldn’t be?
And last but not the least, who would have thought I can’t be clumsy in NY?! It actually just happened about an hour ago. I came home late, around 10:30 PM, and as usual, when I got off the bus, I started to search for my cellphone in my “sizeable” bag, just to be ready, in case. I was quite in a hurry because there were no other people on the street and I had to walk about 3 blocks. Then suddenly, KABLAG! I fell to the ground (again?!) and hurt my elbow, knees and my toes. Luckily, there was no wound! Just plain scratches. I was still holding on to my belongings, which were actually the first things that came to my mind... “oh, my laptop...my Nine West bag...I hope they didn’t have any scratch… hahaha (my 3-year old cellphone wasn’t much of a concern though). I was just relieved to see when I turned back that no one was following me, and no one actually saw me! I was even thankful that I have already passed by the house which I believe has a security camera, because it lights up on the outside whenever someone passes by. Otherwise, my bloopers would have been probably caught on cam!
Haaayyyy... I can only go back to these blunders and laugh at myself…
“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.” ~Kurt Vonnegut
‘Guess you don’t just outgrow clumsiness. Haha
I remember some of the funny (but painful!) instances that I demonstrated my gracefulness, in all the glory of ITS REVERSE.
As far as I can recall, one instance happened when I was still a naïve and innocent looking, not to mention single (since birth!), office girl strutting my stuff along Ayala Avenue on my way to my workplace on 6788. I used to wear an above the knee, pencil-cut butt hugging (as if I had a butt like J.Lo’s!) skirt as a uniform. Can you imagine how dreadful it was for me (and for the other girls out there) to commute, chase after FX taxis and buses in Metro Manila, Mondays thru Thursdays. Oh how I just love Fridays! Anyway, the thing that happened to me didn’t come about while I was trying to catch a ride. It happened actually as soon as I alighted from the FX on Ayala Avenue cor. Paseo de Roxas. After getting off, I closed the door and the first and last thing I saw was an opening on the side of the road, then…BLAAAAG! I probably lost my balance, twisted my ankle, tripped and then fell to the ground. I had no idea what just happened to me! For one second I forgot who and where I was. But the moment I got back to my senses, I got up as quickly as I could, ignored my bleeding knees, and walked without looking back, as if nothing happened. Seriously, all that I was able to mutter to myself was, “kaya nyo yun?”
Next location, 6788 building. I was going to a client that day on my own. As always, I would wait for the company’s black Mercedes Benz car service (sosyal pa naman!) in the back entrance of the building. Walking out of the building full of poise and confidence, again, wearing my butt-hugging uniform and my 3-inch stiletto, I started to get down the stairs slowly and carefully. I wasn’t even on a rush so I just took my time. While getting down, I was actually asking myself, what if I fall down from here? What will I do? Will anyone help me? I wonder, it would be such a shame! No kidding, but I was actually thinking about that possibility during that time! And as if fate wanted to give me answers, can you guess what happened next? Yes, from the 3rd or 4th step (do you still expect me to remember?!) of a probably 10-step staircase, I fell aaaall the way down. It rocked my world big time! I just saw the guard running towards my direction. And even before he could help me, I was back on my feet. All that he was able to say was, “Ang bilis ni ma’am ah!” I just laughed, but deep inside I was soooooo embarrassed. Who wouldn’t be?
And last but not the least, who would have thought I can’t be clumsy in NY?! It actually just happened about an hour ago. I came home late, around 10:30 PM, and as usual, when I got off the bus, I started to search for my cellphone in my “sizeable” bag, just to be ready, in case. I was quite in a hurry because there were no other people on the street and I had to walk about 3 blocks. Then suddenly, KABLAG! I fell to the ground (again?!) and hurt my elbow, knees and my toes. Luckily, there was no wound! Just plain scratches. I was still holding on to my belongings, which were actually the first things that came to my mind... “oh, my laptop...my Nine West bag...I hope they didn’t have any scratch… hahaha (my 3-year old cellphone wasn’t much of a concern though). I was just relieved to see when I turned back that no one was following me, and no one actually saw me! I was even thankful that I have already passed by the house which I believe has a security camera, because it lights up on the outside whenever someone passes by. Otherwise, my bloopers would have been probably caught on cam!
Haaayyyy... I can only go back to these blunders and laugh at myself…
“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.” ~Kurt Vonnegut
Friday, July 03, 2009
All Geared Up
It’s amazing how God works in mysterious but truly wonderful and beautiful ways. In life, we just have to entrust our life to Him and He will take charge of everything.
No matter how strong, smart intelligent or capable we think we are, there will come a time that we will feel weak, unable and hopeless. Just recently, I felt I hit rock bottom. I found the strength and the willpower to rise above everything when I realized I just have to surrender everything to God. I do have faith in Him; but because of what I have already achieved in life and what I have become through the years, I sort of have that pride which prevents me from completely admitting that I do have weaknesses and that I may fail still in this journey called life. This seemed to be hard for me especially when people around me expect too much from me. I have created this wall that no one can see through me. All they see is the strong and able me.
Being where I am right now brought me into the biggest realization I ever had. I felt depressed, stressed and almost a failure. I almost gave up my dreams and decided to just go back to the life I had before. It’s not that it’s dreadful or that unpleasant. It’s just harder than where I am right now, and going back to that, I feel, would make me give up some of what I think are far-fetched, but achievable dreams of mine. And should I decide to still pursue them would be quite a long and laborious journey.
The storm has passed, and I am just taking the drizzly weather in stride. I know that storms do come and go, but I know I can endure whatever it is that the seasons in my life would bring, especially when I am assured that God is there to provide me with a proper and complete gear all the time – may it be an umbrella on a rainy and stormy day, a thick jacket during the cold weather, or even boots to take the hard walk on snow during the winter season. Because through it all, God wants us, His children, to enjoy the beauty of the flowers and the trees that bloom in springtime, and the warmth and laughter that the sunshine brings in summer time.
No matter how strong, smart intelligent or capable we think we are, there will come a time that we will feel weak, unable and hopeless. Just recently, I felt I hit rock bottom. I found the strength and the willpower to rise above everything when I realized I just have to surrender everything to God. I do have faith in Him; but because of what I have already achieved in life and what I have become through the years, I sort of have that pride which prevents me from completely admitting that I do have weaknesses and that I may fail still in this journey called life. This seemed to be hard for me especially when people around me expect too much from me. I have created this wall that no one can see through me. All they see is the strong and able me.
Being where I am right now brought me into the biggest realization I ever had. I felt depressed, stressed and almost a failure. I almost gave up my dreams and decided to just go back to the life I had before. It’s not that it’s dreadful or that unpleasant. It’s just harder than where I am right now, and going back to that, I feel, would make me give up some of what I think are far-fetched, but achievable dreams of mine. And should I decide to still pursue them would be quite a long and laborious journey.
The storm has passed, and I am just taking the drizzly weather in stride. I know that storms do come and go, but I know I can endure whatever it is that the seasons in my life would bring, especially when I am assured that God is there to provide me with a proper and complete gear all the time – may it be an umbrella on a rainy and stormy day, a thick jacket during the cold weather, or even boots to take the hard walk on snow during the winter season. Because through it all, God wants us, His children, to enjoy the beauty of the flowers and the trees that bloom in springtime, and the warmth and laughter that the sunshine brings in summer time.
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